Yesterday, I couldn’t help this melancholy feeling that swept over me.  I tried to fight it, but it won.  I couldn’t shake its grasp until I turned into a blubbering fool with a half-hour worth of the “ugly cry.” 

Tears fell from within my soul.  So deep.  I haven’t cried that hard in a LONG time.  I don’t know if I’ve allowed myself to feel so deeply in a long time.  It was overdue and I had to just get it out.

Yesterday, I couldn’t exactly place where this pain was coming from.  I had a couple of ideas, but they don’t cut me like that

After giving it some thought today, I think I figured it out.

You see, I’ve been taking lots of research surveys about autism lately.  I have sat through IEP meetings.  I have answered countless questions about Christian and autism and our family and stress and etc in the last two months.  I have read countless blogs and internet articles.  Sometimes I feel tremendously guilty…

…these “Warrior Moms” are fighting autism and pulling their children away, recovering them, saying that they’re cured.  I think, “Wonderful!  Wow, those mothers (and fathers) are amazing!  What strength!  What courage!” …

…and then I look at myself.  I look at Christian.  I feel guilty because I don’t know that I want him “recovered.”  That I fully believe that there is a “cure” for him in the future.  Don’t get me wrong — I definitely want to give him the skills that he needs to navigate our world and society and to be able to do so independently.  But, he has SO many marvelous and unimaginable skills that I think would be lost if his autism was no more.

Does that make me a bad mom?  For not wishing his difficulties gone?  It sure would make my life, our family’s life, a whole lot easier, but we would be missing out on so much more…

Advertisements