I am finding this post very hard to write, but hoping that it will be cathartic so here I go…

I love Christmas.  I love rejoicing in the birth of our Savior.  I love thinking of gifts to give to those who mean so much to our family.  I love the hymns.  I love the lights and decorations.  I love hearing favorite Bible passages repeated again.  I love to get the yearly updates from family and friends.  I love the unmaterialistic Christmas.  I love the Christmas that is focused on Christ Jesus.

But every year, as Christmas approaches, I find myself struggling.  Failing in and out of a deep sadness.  You see, almost 20 years ago on Christmas Day, I was dealt an emotionally devastating blow.  An unexpected betrayal of sorts.  A loss of all innocence.  An event that still shakes me to my core and is just so incomprehenible in my mind.  And I wish that it didn’t cut me as much as it did that Christmas Day so long ago, but it still does.  Reliving it makes me want to just curl up in a ball and sob until the tears will no longer come.

This time of year sends me on an emotional rollercoaster ride, from the highest of highs to some pretty low lows.  I’m praying for many more highs than lows this year.  If that’s all I would get for Christmas, that would be enough by me.

Advertisements